Shadowland: a sad $cash grab$ in 5 parts.

Following Ed Brubaker's epic run on the Man Without Fear, I contemplated quitting Daredevil. However, British scribe, Andy Diggle's impressive portfolio convinced me to collect the series for a few more issues. Moreover, I was curious to see how Diggle would handle Brubaker's move to have Matt Murdock assume leadership of the Hand, the evil mystical ninja clan that has plagued Daredevil for as long as I can remember.

Initially, I was mostly impressed with Diggle's take on DD, particularly his emphasis on the occult and the inner workings of the Hand, which, for the most part, have been a mystery. More interestingly, Diggle's short run was to culminate in Shadowland, a five-part mini-series that would see Marvel's "street-level" heroes (i.e. Iron Fist, Punisher, Moon Knight, Elektra, Luke Cage, Spiderman and more) face off against Daredevil, who, as leader of the Hand, has been meting out his own brand of ninja-justice, which didn't sit will with Marvel's finest, not to mention Daredevil's non-superhero friend's.

At first blush, Shadowland looked awesome and the first two issues did not disappoint. With this said, the back half of the story was, in my opinion, a complete fucking disaster.

Be forewarned, if you have any interest in reading the tripe that is Shadowland, proceed no further as I am going to ruin fair-sized chunks of the story right now.

The following is a breakdown of what I think went wrong with Shadowland, an event that, by all accounts, should have been great.

1. Billy Tan & John Cassaday

Normally, I'm not in the business of crapping on artists. First, I can't draw worth a damn. Second, I don't like to judge (most) people. However, I can't help but wonder why Billy Tan, a reputable but not stellar artist, was handed the pencilling chores for a big Marvel event. While we'll never know the answer to this one, I can say this, Tan's art, though mostly o.k., kinda sucked with when it came to Shadowland. I'm no critic so I will simply say that there was something "off" Tan's art. I can't put my finger on it, but, the overall composition of Tan's panels, particularly his lines, which, to me, where all over the place and resulted in characters appearing... misshapen. Observe:



I'm not saying that Tan is horrible, it's just that his art is not easy on the eyes, not in the slightest and, more importantly, is not conducive to the delivery of a big, series-changing story.

O.K., on to John Cassaday's cover art.

I like John Cassaday a lot. John Cassaday made a name for himself pencilling Warren Ellis' awesome Planetary series and Joss Whedon's fantastic run on X-Men, two series worth reading. Nowadays, Cassaday does cover art for various publications, like Dynamite's The Lone Ranger series, which isn't half bad. Here's Cassaday's cover art for issue #17 of The Lone Ranger.



I love this piece - it's understated, original, inspired and borders on iconic, which, considering that it's the Lone Ranger, is pretty impressive. More importantly, it's badass. Now, here's the cover for Shadowland #2:



The only word that comes to mind here is "stiff". While most comic covers feature static images, Cassaday's Shadowland work is flat out dull and actually a little hard to look at. Also, as an aside, Kingpin looks like a Vulcan.

In the interest of pursuing other trains of thought, I'm going to wrap-up my criticism of Shadowland's less-than-impressive artwork with this - if you're tasked with pencilling chores for a major event, you'd best bring your A-game, son.

2. Plot: good grief

As previously mentioned, the plot, at least at first glance, of Shadowland is sound:

Daredevil steps over the line (with ninjas); Marvel's "street" heroes "check" Daredevil; ninjas, ninjas everywhere.

What's not to like?

As a 31-year old comic book collector, I have learned to suspend disbelief. In fact, and it's taken me a while, I've learned that most of the stuff I read in comics is not real and that I should stop taking shit so seriously and enjoy the ride. Having said this, Shadowland simply has to many "What the fuck?" moments to ignore; moments that not only defy "comic logic" but are detrimental to the plot. Call me nit-picky, but I prefer simple, tight stories over epic sprawls that try to accomplish too much. This is why I think Lord of the Rings is stupid.

I digress.

Here are my bitchings about the plot of Shadowland.

a) The presence of Wolverine & Ghost Rider.

Shadowland was billed as a "street-level" battle for the soul of New York. If this is the case, what the hell are Wolverine, an X-Man, and Ghost Rider, the Spirit of Vengeance, doing in Shadowland? Simply put, and without ruining too much of the plot, Wolverine needs to be in everything because he is cool while Ghost Rider's function was that of the God brought in to resolve problems, otherwise known as Deus Ex Machina or "the easy way out".

Boo.

b) Snakeroot & The Beast of the Hand.

The occult is awesome and mystical ninjas are even better. The Snakeroot Clan and the Beast of the Hand took sweet mystical ninjas to a level of unnecessary stupidity that is beyond me. To explain, for whatever reason, in Shadowland Daredevil doesn't get all squirrely because he walks a fine and delicate line, a characteristic that has been developed for years. No. Daredevil loses his shit because he is possessed by the Beast of the Hand and quite literally turns into a scary demon... Yeah. I love it when a creative team tries to make its mark by ignoring years of continuity in favour of scary monsters that aren't tonally aligned with characters.

Yes, I'm being sarcastic.



Double-Boo.

c) Daredevil dies... Unnecessarily.

At the climax of the series, Daredevil is briefly granted control of his senses and uses the opportunity to kill himself, ridding the Marvel U. of the demon-scourge of NYC.

Briefly.

Shortly after his death, we're talking the same issue here, Matt Murdock is seen getting off a bus in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere, ready to atone for his sins. Further, fresh off the boat from Wakanda, the Black Panther has taken Murdock's place as Daredevil and protector of Hell's Kitchen. I guess he decided that Africa can take care of itself and that an NYC neighbourhood, that happens to be overpopulated with superheroes, needed his attention. With this said, rather than kill Daredevil off for a while and develop "Black Devil", Marvel is resurrecting Matt Murdock in Daredevil: Reborn, which will be released in early 2011, which is stupid because Daredevil was only dead for three pages.



This did not need to happen...

or did it?

To me, the Shadowland mini-series culminates in one thing - more cash for Marvel. Consider this - during and following Shadowland, the Marvel U.'s status quo remains intact with the added benefit of Daredevil being featured in two series that will result in nothing special happening.

Still, I really can't blame Marvel for creating a series to kill off Daredevil then orchestrating his concern shortly after his death. "Reborn" comics are all the rage these days and, properly done (i.e. Captain America) can be very, very entertaining. Sadly, Daredevil's death/resurrection lacks the ingenuity of Cap's death/return and is a poorly veiled attempt to stimulate sales in a series that, in my estimation, has suffered since Brubaker gave up the reigns.

Comic Christmas List 2010 Part 3: Expensive stuff

For the final chapter of the Comic Christmas List, I thought it would be fun to list the gifts you can only hope to purchase/receive.

Below is a list of comic-geek gifts your broke-ass can't afford.

1. Anything from alexrossart.com



Look at this picture - it's fucking awesome. With this said, there are 24,000 reasons why you will never get closer than you are right now to this piece of art.

2. Conan's Sword



Forged in Spain, this is the sword that Arnold used to carve out a name for himself in Hollywood. It is also the best non-gun burglar deterrent on the market. With this said, this sword is listed at nearly 700 bucks, which is equivalent to selling a kidney at half price.

3. Captain America #100

Unless Grandma adds a couple of zeroes to her regular Christmas check, you don't have a hope in hell of seeing Sideshow Collectible's drool-worthy presentation of Captain America #100 under the tree.



At the risk of inundating my blog with an ultimately depressing list of cool things that only the crazy and/or rich will bother to purchase, I will stop here, and work on my next post, which is more aligned with the general tone of this blog. Before signing off, I will leave you with a Christmas wish and a G.I.PSA courtesy of Roadblock.

Merry Christmas and "Don't jump your bike over downed power lines. Remember, don't play around electric wires or you could be playing with fire."

Comic Christmas List 2010 Part 2: Apparel and Decor

In Part 2 of the Comic Christmas list, I will catalogue and discuss apparel, decor and all the crap we'd love to have but simply cannot afford.

Apparel

Superherostuff.com has an amazing assortment of superhero apparel that will surely make any comic geek's day, not to mention Christmas. Here are some of my personal favourites.

1. Iron Fist Pint Glass



This pint glass achieves the rarely seen coming together of beer and kung-fu - both are awesome in their own right, but when brought together as a single entity are unstoppable. Give your comic-loving friend the gift of awesome with this.

2. Green Lantern Rage Keychain



While I can admit to knowing very little of the Green Lantern universe, I can admit to loving this keychain because it is, in some cases, ironic and in others, very appropriate. Further, this is a great stocking stuffer because it's cheap and cheap is good.

3. G.I. Joe Cobra Messenger Bag



The G.I. Joe love continues with this international terrorist-inspired messenger bag. In addition to looking cool, this bag is also a bully deterrent.

Maybe not.

4. Wonder Woman Cami & Panty Set



Admit it - in some shape or form, you've thought of this.

Pervert.

5. Tokidoki Thor T-Shirt



Tokidoki stuff is original, inspired, not to mention cute as hell, and takes the edge of superheroes. You can find this and other similar t-shirts over at Tokidoki.

Decor
1. Batman Lava Lamp



While not the most friendly lamp by which to read comics, this Batman lava lamp is a cool addition to any bedroom or office. Instructions on "how not to meet women" are not included.

2. Thanos Diorama



In addition to other intellectual properties Sideshow Collectibles pays tribute to Marvel Comics with some pretty amazing pieces. Based on pure bad-assness, I selected this depiction of the mad titan, Thanos, and his woman, Death for display. You'd better have some patience and some deep pockets if you want to get a hold of this one - Thanos is presently listed at 359.99 US$ and you'll need to wait for it.

3. Comic Cubes



The guys at Comic Cubes have developed the best possible storage option for your collection; for, functionality aside, these cubes, unlike your stacks of longboxes, don't stick out like a sore thumb.

4. Iron Man Poster by Marko Djurdjevic



In my opinion, Marko Djurdjevic's art will soon rival Alex Ross' in terms of what he will do for Marvel as far as cover work goes. This widescreen Iron Man piece is amazing and, properly framed, will look great on anyone's wall. You can find this and more at comicsinfinity.com.

5. Comic Art

Finally, no shopping spree is complete without a trip to The Artist's Choice, a one-stop shop for all your original comic art needs. Contrary to other sites that sale original pieces, "The Artist's Choice" offers prospective buyers a broad range of prices. Check it out for yourself.

That's it for today. I know I promised a look some stuff you simply can't afford today, but I am tired. Part 3 will have to wait until tomorrow.

Comic Christmas List 2010 Part 1: Comics and Movies

The best part of the snowy season is nearly upon us. With the true spirit of Christmas in mind (receiving), I thought I'd list some comic book items that deserve a spot under your tree, next to baby Jesus. Today's post will feature a look at books and trades, and movies.

Books n' Trades

1. Captan America Omnibus by Ed Brubaker, Steve Epting & Co.



If "24" was a comic and kicked even more ass, this would be it. The Omnibus collects the first twenty-five issues of one of the greatest current ongoing runs in modern comics. Featuring healthy doses of action and espionage, Brubaker's run brings past and present together, which, to me, is a compelling effort that makes Cap more relevant and interesting than ever.

2. WE3 by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely



Although this trade weighs in at a scant three issues, it makes a case for tight story telling (i.e. less is more), not to mention animal rights. While none of the three main characters can speak all that much, Morrison and Quitely evoke a fairly strong emotional response with their story of three experimental weapons on the run from the military.

3. G.I. Joe: Cobra by Christos Gage and Mike Costa



Tired of watching your favourite intellectual property get the Village People treatment? Yeah, me too. If my earlier post about this comic failed to convince you that it's more than worth your money, then simply take my word for it.

4. The Walking Dead Compendium Vol. 1 by Robert Kirkman, Charlie Adlard & Cliff Rathburn



Zombies are great. 1088 pages of zombies is fucking awesome. You can grab the first eight volumes Kirkman's epic tale of survival horror for bottom dollar at Amazon. This would make a great gift for anyone who's watching AMC's The Walking Dead or anyone who loves zombies.

5. Mythology: The DC Comics Art of Alex Ross by Alex Ross



If photorealistic water colour paintings of superheroes don't float your boat then you are dead inside. Get this for someone and make sure to pick up a copy for yourself.

6. Men of Tomorrow: Geeks, Gangsters, and the Birth of the Comic Book by Gerard Jones



This gem is a historical review of the surprisingly ruthless early days of comic books in America. Anyone remotely interested in sequential art absolutely needs to read this story of the birth of the comic industry.

Movies
While in my opinion there were only two comic book movies worth watching this year, against better judgement, I am recommending three.

1. Iron Man 2



Iron Man 2 is awesome. With the origin story out of the way, Jon Favreau delved deeper into Marvel lore with an action packed romp through the world of Marvel's iron-clad version of James Bond. Scarlett Johansson literally rounds out the all-star cast with her performance as Black Widow. The Avengers easter eggs alone make this movie a must-have.


2. Kick-Ass



Many people will argue that Mark Millar has sold out and is only writing comics that will optioned in to films. I don't really care because I'd do the same thing.

Kick-Ass is a rare comic book movie as almost everyone likes it. At it's core Kick-Ass is about good samaritans trying to do the right thing but finding themselves in hot water before long. In addition to Chloe Moretz's iconic performance as the potty-mouthed assassin, Hit-Girl, all the actors deliver strong performances that resonate with audience members. Hell, even Nic Cage, who sucks, puts on a great show as the Adam West-inspired homicidal maniac, Big-Daddy.

3. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World



If someone you know has A.D.D., likes drugs, is into Manga-influenced shit and/or likes Michael Cera, then get this for him/her. I needed beer to get through this movie and that didn't even help all that much.

Coming tomorrow - Apparel, decor and stuff you can't afford!

Get This Book: G.I. Joe: Cobra

I love G.I. Joe. My fondest Joe memories always began with "forgetting" my homework at school so I could desperately haul ass home in order to catch the latest G.I. Joe victory over Cobra.

At a fundamental level, G.I. Joe is an epic good vs. evil battle that should, by all accounts be almost unbearably awesome.
However, with this said, crafting a good G.I. Joe story is not an easy task because, let's face it, G.I. Joe, on another fundamental level is, at worst, painfully cheesy and, at best, a half decent gay joke. The $175 million dollar budget, live-action mind-crap G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra proved that even money couldn't save the Joes from this darker facet of their nature. The G.I. Joe movie is not the only example of this creative property being reduced to a heaping pile of doo, and the world of comics is not exempt when it comes to the shitification of the Joes. In fact, my recent breakdown of trends in G.I. Joe storytelling has revealed that only 7% of G.I. Joe stories are worth reading.

This blog entry is about one of these stories.



I picked up the G.I. Joe: Cobra trade at the Montreal Comic Con for a very economical ten bucks. Initially, I figured Cobra would be a nice complement the above-average Chuck Dixon/Robert Atkins (& others) G.I. Joe series I had been collecting, a book (although plodding) I feel does a pretty good job at capturing the broad scope and characters of the G.I. Joe universe, not to mention the interest of my nostalgic self. Cobra proved not just to be a gritty complement but a vastly superior series to Dixon/Atkin's more traditional take on G.I. Joe.

G.I. Joe: Cobra is a four issue mini-series (an additional one-shot rounds out the story) that tells the story of a single Joe's mission to infiltrate a terrorist conglomerate that eventually proves to be Cobra. The series features a scant four, yeah, count 'em, four characters from the Joe-verse: Joe C-listers Chuckles, Jinx, and Cobra mainstays Tomax and Xamot. Other characters make brief appearances, mostly for the sake of driving the plot forward.

My initial reaction to Chuckles as the series protagonist was mostly negative. Many years ago I received the Chuckles figure as a Christmas gift and, based solely the fact that he sports a Hawaiian shirt, was almost always a victim of friendly fire in the massive wars I staged in my bedroom. Fortunately, although he has retained his poor taste in clothes, Cobra's Chuckles is characterized by a controlled recklessness and a taste for the toughest jobs. Tasked with maintaining his cover as a mercenary and gaining admission to Cobra, Chuckles has to deal with isolation in the field and the emotional burden of being a hired gun. His only contact with G.I. Joe headquarters is through Jinx, another covert operative.

What separates Cobra from other Joe stories is that it doesn't rely on all the gimmicky shit that makes G.I. Joe suck. Rather, Cobra relies on all the crazy shit that made The Bourne Identity fucking awesome. Cobra is a hard-boiled G.I. Joe grounded in reality - as Chuckles gets closer to the truth, many innocent people will die and we are never left with the sense that he will emerge unscathed from his venture into the world of terrorism. Moreover, Cobra is entirely character driven and features only a slice of the goofy sci-fi stuff that has come to define G.I. Joe. Interestingly, the brief glimpse we are given of Cobra makes us want more, lots more.

That's all I'm going to leave you with. Currently, Cobra's story is being continued in G.I. Joe: Cobra II, which is now an ongoing series. I plan on waiting for the trade on this one, but, in the meantime, will be reading G.I. Joe: Cobra again because it's that damn good.

Check it out.

Breaking Down the Fist Pump

Back in the day (read: my first post), I wrote a piece where I discussed the subtleties of an iconic comic pose. As promised, thorough dissections of other poses would soon follow. Without further ado, allow me to present, along with its uninspired title, the second instalment of this semi-regular feature- Breaking Down the Fist Pump.

The fist pump is best described as a mostly-stupid, spontaneous, celebratory reaction to things that are amazing. Golfer and STD-petri dish, Tiger Woods popularized the fist pump and is often credited for the revival of this emotive gesture. On its surface, the fist pump presents us with a simple case of causality, or the relationship between a cause (or other agency) and the effect that follows.

However, the world of sports only provides us with a one-dimensional understanding of the fist pump that has been bastardized and used in dance clubs all over the world. In reality, the fist pump is an extremely nuanced behaviour that requires more attention, for exploring the subtleties of the fist pump will not only reveal its limitless versatility but will provide valuable insight into the human psyche. Fortunately, the broad landscape of the comic book medium allows us to explore the depth of this iconic pose as it features many variations of the fist pump.

The "Behold My Power" Fist Pump

This variation of the fist pump differs from the celebratory version of the pose as it has nothing to do with what was accomplished, but, instead, with what will be accomplished. Take Thanos, for example.

The Infinity Gauntlet, seen here, granted Thanos power over everything in the universe. Thanos, being very, very bad, set out to do very, very bad things with the Gauntlet, namely, to impress his girlfriend, Death, by murdering half the universe.

Ok. Back to the picture. At this point Thanos has done nothing with the Gauntlet other than drop a fist pump and make it shoot lasers. Aesthetics aside, this gesture sends an all important message to the heroes of the Marvel U. and would be naysayers - I will kick your ass.

This preliminary demonstration of power often goes well beyond lasers and communicates a more substantial message to observers. In other words, there are limitless variations to this variation of the fist pump. For example, observe Conan. Before moving onto bigger fish (ie. giant snakes, ape-men, dinosaur-ape-men-snakes), Conan warms up by killing anyone dumb enough to cross his path. Not only does this get the blood flowing for the main event but, more importantly, serves as the stage for a bloody and righteous fist pump that says, I can kick your ass and steal your girlfriend.

With this said, it should be noted that good, properly timed fist pumps are not just about posturing and threatening people with cosmic weapons and sharp objects.

The "Happy" Fist Pump

The "Happy" Fist Pump has nothing to do with threats to the universe or anyone else. Not to be confused with the celebratory fist pump we all know and love, the Happy fist pump as nothing to do with causality but, rather, is all about the time and space the fist pumper finds him/herself in. In short, happiness is not an accomplishment but a state of mind. Take Luke Cage, for example. On a fundamental level, Luke Cage is basically Marvel's Shaft, the smooth-talking answer to every urban problem, ever. However, Luke Cage is nowhere near as cool as Shaft, has done very little to stick it to the man, and has never gone to Africa. Further, Luke Cage has lame powers that are only compounded by the fact that he's a pretty lame character. Even recent attempts to update Luke Cage by shedding his blaxploitation image in favour of a more hip demeanour have been, in my opinion, failures. That said, you'd never know how lame Luke Cage is by looking at him. Hell, if I was overused, perpetually cancelled, and sucked I'd probably fade into the obscurity of a menial job and start a blog about comics, or something. However, Luke Cage celebrates his mediocrity by fist pumping because let's face it, the guy's just happy he can pay his phone bill.

The "Three Birds" Fist Pump

Otherwise known as the "Functional" Fist Pump, the Three Birds Fist pump borrows its name from the well-known two birds idiom. However, while killing two birds with one stone is great, smashing three to pieces with a single action (ie. a fist pump) is awesome.

The Three Birds Fist Pump accomplishes the following simultaneously:

1. Ass kicking
2. Celebrating ass kicking
3. Manly bicep flexing

The synchronicity of the Three Birds Fist Pump makes it the manliest of all fist pumps* and a sublime thing to behold.



*The Three Birds Fist Pump is actually not the manliest fist pump. The "Ultra" Fist Pump (seen below) is the manliest fist pump ever. That said, the Three Birds Fist Pump is pretty manly and should always be used in a fight.

The "Ultra" Fist Pump

The "Ultra" Fist Pump is the rarest, most incredible, sexiest fist pump ever. Briefly, the Ultra Fist Pump is a sexy, flaming blend of all other fist-pumps. I'm going to stray from the comic medium here as, to my knowledge, there is only one recorded Ultra Fist Pump and it is worth noting:

Mola Ram's Ultra Fist Pump Checklist:

1. Standard Fist Pump (Look what I did!): Ripping someone's heart out with his bare hands. Check.
2. Behold My Power Fist Pump (I will): Displays heart to Thuggees warning them not to fuck with him. Check.
3. Happy Fist Pump (It's good to be me): It's good to be Molarum (note the smile). Check.
4. Three Birds Fist Pump (Ass kicking; celebrating ass kicking; bicep flexing): Check. Check. Check.
5. Fire: Flaming, beating heart. Check.

Sadly, the secret to pulling off the Ultra Fist Pump died with Mola Ram as he was eaten by crocodiles. If we can look past the fact that he killed a lot of people, stole the Sankara stones, and ran a cult and a sweat shop, Mola Ram was a pretty decent guy and the world would have benefitted from a sequel to the Indy prequel and more Ultra Fist Pumps. Nevertheless, fist pumping, as evidenced by the above, is a subtle art that is not about celebrating putting balls in holes but, like an onion, is layered, mysterious and intense.

Comic Art Critic #1: What makes a man?

In my opinion, the concrete theory behind the critique of art aesthetics is about as real and relevant as the tooth fairy. Sure, Mona Lisa might be smiling at some hidden, clever secret, and said clever secret might even be Biblical in nature, prompting researchers to further explore the mystery behind Da Vinci's most famous work, and authors to write speculative fiction and pass their work off as fact. That, or Mona might be smiling simply because she isn't wearing any pants. My interpretation is as good as anyone else's, including the critics. To me, the enigmatic nature of fine art is what makes it stupid and boring. Let's face it, the coolest thing Van Gogh ever did was cut off his own ear, which, in itself, is a work of art not to mention totally macho.

I digress.

True art is not subtle or thought-provoking. True art should feel like a chainsaw tearing through your mind and leave multiple contusions on your soul. Comic book art is neither enigmatic nor subtle. Like Van Gogh's crazy act of self-mutilation, comic book art is manly, intense, and leaves very little, if anything, to the imagination, which is what makes it great.

I would like to begin a series of honest critiques of amazing works in comic book art by presenting readers with one of the best pictures ever drawn.



The manliness of this picture is beard inducing. Really, I actually grew a beard in, like, three seconds just by looking at this. There is simply nothing more manly or awesome than stabbing a shark while riding it. To explain, the great white shark is the most awesome apex predator of all time. Great white sharks survived the meteor that obliterated the dinosaurs and have opted to evolve very little since then because they present us with a perfect combination of raw-power and big teeth, making them the shark that every man wants to be. Great white sharks are motivated entirely by the primal need to indiscriminately kick ass and eat things. The only known threat to great white sharks is how manly and awesome they are, which can be intimidating to anyone, even great white sharks. That said, great white sharks rarely fall victim to this paradox and continue to impress us with their awe-inspiring power and aerial leaps.

Raw Power & Aerial Leaps
However, as awesome as sharks are, GI. Joe's resident ninja-commando has proven to be greater than nature's most ferocious predator, as he is able to, without much difficulty, tame the mighty great white shark then stab it in the name of democracy and American freedom. While modern soldiers are required to be proficient in unarmed combat, they are rarely required to fight sharks. In fact, the SAS recommendation for encountering a great white shark on the open sea is to "curl up and die". Refusing to be bound to conventional military tactics, Snake-Eyes faces the his opponent head on in a classic man vs. nature battle of wills. Further, rather than kill the shark with a gun or stick of dynamite, Snake-Eyes, opting to "feel the kill", answers the age old question "What makes a man?" with his trusty knife. Further, in examining this piece through a broader lens, this example of comic art conveys a unique Darwinian message to the reader: if you're not Snake-Eyes, you suck and will probably be eaten by a shark.

Deservedly so.

I wish I was Daredevil.

In the 1980's comic readers were blown away by Frank Miller's noir, martial arts spin on Daredevil. Miller's run on Daredevil was so influential that, to this day, writers have tried to emulate Miller's tone in their own runs and, as such, Daredevil has been populated with its fair share of ninjas, femme fatales, and healthy doses of corruption and cynicism. The latter noirish elements are especially important as the modern Daredevil is defined by the misfortune that continuously befalls him and the people closest to him. While Marvel Universe is populated almost entirely with anti-heroes with their own hard luck stories, many comic readers are sympathetic toward Daredevil and find themselves asking "Why can't Daredevil catch a break?"

In my humble opinion, this is a load of shit. Getting sprayed in the eyes with radioactive goo was the best thing to ever happen to Matt Murdock. In fact, I'm actually envious of Murdock's handicap and the calamity that has beleaguered him for the bulk of his adult life. Before losing his eyesight, Matt Murdock was just another Irish Catholic kid trying to carve out an existence for himself on the streets of Hell's Kitchen while coping with the fact that his dad basically failed at life. In other words, Matt Murdock was a nobody, a statistic at best. However, after being on the receiving end of a radioactive money shot, Matt Murdock became Daredevil, and a lawyer, I might add, and, equipped only with four over-developed senses and one sense of justice that borders on excessive, took to the streets to kick some ass. A product of Daredevil's war on crime has been, in many peoples' opinion, a lot of bad luck. I respectfully disagree with this collective sentiment and present you with a piece detailing my envy of the blind guy who can't seem to get ahead.

I wish I was Daredevil and here's why.

Reason #1: Ninjas

Someday, long after the human race has died out, scholars of the bipedal lizard species that replaces us will develop an encyclopedia of humanity. An eminent contributor mandated with researching ninjas will develop the following entry.

Ninja (Shinobi): A metaphysical quality of the human race was that ninjas were considered to be universally cool.

With this fact in mind, it should come as no surprise that every morning, I open my front door hoping, no, praying to encounter a horde of ninjas waiting to kill me. Upon stepping outside, I imagine myself gently ushering my fiancee to a safe vantage point and saying something to the tune of, "We both knew this time would come, baby. I want you to run. Don't worry, I will find you."

Then, with my fiancee safely out of the way, I would proceed to give the ninjas an overdue lesson in sweet justice, for, although I have chosen to abandon my ninja ways and live a peaceful life, I have retained my ninja skills and am therefore deadly. After defeating the ninjas and getting sufficiently bloody, but not permanently damaged, I would reunite with my fiancee at a hidden rendezvous point that would conveniently have a hot-tub, black light, lubed slip-and-slide and king-sized bed, for, though visibly shaken, she would be totally, uncontrollably hot for me because I just killed, like, 100 ninjas with my bare fucking hands.

Lamentably, my life is mostly ninja-free. The only horde I am faced with on a daily basis with is the vast multitude of dog turds I am required to scoop twice, sometimes three times, a day. Aside from the odour, my dog's little "brown butt ninjas" don't put up much of a fight.

Conversely, every morning, Daredevil literally wakes up to this: ninjas literally falling out of the sky in bunches, risking self-impalement, just to take a shot at him.



My jealousy is only compounded by the fact that I am well aware of the impossibility, logistically and financially, of contacting and and hiring a secret clan of ninja assassins to try to kill me every day. After all, who would pick up my dog's shit and pay the bills if I was fighting ninjas all the time? Still...

Reason #2: Daredevil gets a TON of action.

A natural product of a vigilante's war on crime is a raging libido. Let's face it, all men of action have a lot of sex. Daredevil is no exception to this rule as, despite being blind and a lawyer (two big strikes for anyone trying to land a date), Daredevil is always, most often at a morally reprehensible level, knee-deep in hot sweaty love.

As the Marvel Universe's most successful lothario, Daredevil has a great group of enablers to thank for his boundless sex life - the writers. For, as soon as Daredevil grows weary of a love interest, the writers usher her out of the picture in a most unkind way and introduce a new, hotter woman into his life.

Consider the following Daredevil love interests.

a) Karen Page: The sexy and conveniently naive Karen Page was first introduced as a secretary at Matt Murdock's law firm. Karen soon finds herself uncontrollably infatuated with Matt Murdock and his alter ego, Daredevil. Shortly revealing his secret identity to her, Karen and Matt get busy and date on and off. During an off period, Karen moves to California where she gets hooked on smack and becomes a porn star. Matt helps her kick both her drug and sex addictions and they being dating again. However, due to the fact that dating a former drug addict and pornstar can be a drag, the writers eased Matt's stress by getting him to have an affair with Typhoid Mary who, although very, very, evil, is smoking hot. Karen and Matt break up again but reunite after Mysterio tricks Karen into believing she has AIDS. Shortly after, Bullseye kills Karen, ridding Daredevil of her baggage and clearing the way for more hot women.

Karen Page: Baggage...


Typhoid Mary: Booyah!


b) Milla Donovan: After being saved by Daredevil, Milla Donovan would soon find herself married to The Man Without Fear. Aware of Matt's alter and inflated egos, Milla is, albeit unintentionally, emotionally abused by Daredevil who, let's admit, is a crappy husband. During a period where her psychological well-being is at risk, Mr. Fear drives poor Milla to insanity and murder. With his wife locked away in an upstate insane asylum and in no condition for hot sweaty love, Matt finds himself attracted to a subordinate, private investigator Dakota North, who just so happens to be a former super-model. After weighing his options for all of three seconds, Matt seduces Dakota and they engage in hot sweaty love on his hot sweaty dojo floor.

Dojo Sex. Sweet!


So, is the old adage true? Is the bush always greener on the other side? In my opinion, no. My pro-monogamy stance aside, based on the number of partners he's had and the sheer amount of sex he's getting, one can't help but wonder if, in addition to fighting crime, Daredevil is struggling with a more sinister foe - itchy pee.

Still, anyone who gets more tail than James Bond and a sexually mature male rabbit combined, is awesome.

Reason #3: Unendurable Woe = License to do whatever I want.

I can admit that Daredevil's been through a lot. However, before feeling bad for him, I'd like to point out something that is both fairly obvious and really awesome - Daredevil's hard luck serves as an excuse for him to do whatever he wants.



Daredevil doesn't walk the edge, he defines it. If the edge is crippling a man so he never walks again, but no worse, so be it. If the edge is the wholesale slaughter of a ninja clan just to prove a point, it's all good. While not entirely morally bankrupt, the steady deterioration of Daredevil's well-being has put him in a position where his enemies are scared shitless of him and his allies are hesitant to address his questionable approach to doing his job.

I would love this. The real-world benefits of defining your own edge are nearly infinite, for, I don't walk the line, I am the line. Get in line or die, maybe. That, or I might buy you a kitten; it depends on what kind of day I'm having. This unique combination of controlled madness and unending melancholy is not only intimidating but keeps people guessing, and this puts you in a position of power, and power is awesome.

In conclusion, despite living a double life as a lawyer and superhero, and despite his handicap and the fact that everyone wants to kill him and his friends, Matt Murdock has a pretty great life. While most of us are picking up dog turds and going to jobs we hate, Daredevil enjoys a life of ninjas, hot sweaty love and a psyche that is, at best, completely shattered but in a good way. So, when thinking of the normalcy and drudgery of your own life and how awesome Daredevil's life is, ask yourself this, "If everyone loves a good train wreck, why wouldn't I want my own life to be a complete fucking disaster?". With that knowledge, go get yourself a nail gun, some watermelons and a pack of condoms because it's going to be a great day.

Siege: An Event Seven Years in the Making?

Marvel's Siege event was supposed to capstone to seven years worth of stories and overall bad luck for the Heroes of the Marvel U. Briefly, the excellent Civil War mini-series served as the catalyst for some pretty hefty events that rocked the Marvel U. It all went down like this:

Civil War: The divisive Superhero Registration Act is passed. Led by Iron Man and Captain America, two warring factions of heroes and villains settle their differences with their fists - as if there is any other way. End Result: Iron Man's faction wins; heroes must register with government; Captain America dies; Bucky becomes new Cap.

Secret Invasion: Skrulls invade earth. Skrulls are lame. Iron Man fails to prevent/stop the invasion finds himself on the outs with pretty much everyone, especially Thor. Norman Osborn is promoted to head of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Dark Reign: S.H.I.E.L.D. becomes H.A.M.M.E.R. Osborn steals Iron Man's tech and leads a group of Avengers composed almost entirely of not-so-reformed super-villains. In order to protect other heroes' identities, Iron Man turns himself into a retard thus preventing Osborn from hacking his brain but failing to stop Osborn from beating him into a coma on live TV.

Siege: Loki tricks Osborn into attacking Asgard by triggering a disaster not unlike the disaster that kicked off Civil War. Asgard is blamed for the disaster, H.A.M.M.E.R. attacks.

Here's Marvel's promotional trailer for Siege:


My reaction to this trailer: HOT DAMN! There is nothing more boner-inducing than a high stakes brawl between heroes and villains, set on an epic stage. Now, before getting into my critique, overall, Siege was pretty o.k.. Brian Michael Bendis was given the hefty task of delivering the goods in a scant four issues, and did, for the most part, and Olivier Coipel, as usual, was rock-solid on the pencilling end of the story.

Here's my issue with Siege. Except for the bellow image of Ares, the God of War, being reduced to pudding, Siege was both contrived and anti-climactic, which, as you'll read in my conclusion, isn't necessarily a bad thing.



Contrived: Yawn...
While Bendis deserves all the credit in the world for spinning a pretty good yarn, he, like most event writers, was bound to the powers of the editor and the new direction of the Marvel U. - The Heroic Age. In other words, one only had to look as far as The Heroic Age promo material to figure out how Siege was going to end.

Take a look.



From this picture alone we can infer the following:

1. The big three (Captain America, Thor, Iron Man) have resolved their differences;
2. The Avengers are getting back together; and
3. Osborn has been deposed.

Did I need to fork over close to 20 bucks for an action-packed statement of the obvious?

Anti-Climactic

Siege was billed as a huge turning point for the Marvel U. The promotional material for Siege describes it as an event "Seven Years in the Making". Wait a minute... It took seven years to make Norman Osborn go crazy and get the Avengers back together? Really?

Normally, I'd take this opportunity to discuss the fact that, right now, no less than a dozen nerds are writing fan-fiction featuring Norman Osborn and the Avengers. Further, at least three of these scripts will feature a six-page threesome starring Hawkeye, Daken and Ms. Marvel (Carol Danvers). However, I'm going to take the high road and take a moment and discuss the concept of hubris.

Hubris, or excessive, blinding pride is very often the root cause of failure. I'm not saying Marvel failed with Siege, but how could Marvel hope to live up to it's own hype? Let's be honest here, Siege did not take seven years to develop. Hell, it only took a year to tear down the entire Berlin Wall; so, let's call a spade a spade - Siege like all other "event" comics is simply a publisher's regular cross-title cash grab that, although enjoyable, doesn't change the landscape all that much.

Am I right?

Well, without giving too much away, I'm going to say that I'm mostly right, and here's why. First, I'm right in that the conclusion to Siege was fairly predictable and uninspired. Maybe it's me, but, by the mid-point of issue #3, I was no longer invested in Siege, and found myself wishing the battle for Asgard was over and looking forward to the beginning of the Heroic Age. Now, it's worth noting that it remains to be seen how the Heroic Age will pan out, which makes me not completely right. While I will maintain that Siege accomplished little in shaking things up, the end of the series presents readers with a new vision that, at the very least, will be a well-deserved break from the usual tone of doom and gloom that has governed much of the Marvel U. for the past 10 years. That said, who knows, maybe the Heroic Age will change the comic medium as we know it.

Final Thoughts
Despite my criticism, truthfully, I'm on the fence when it comes to Siege. As a whole, Siege didn't rock my world and didn't change much. Rather, Siege presents us with standard comic book fare - a serviceable story and good art, which, to me, is just fine. Really, can we ask for anything more?

At this juncture, I feel it is best to wrap things up. I'd love to continue rambling and dissect my stance on Siege, but, in this case at least, brevity and some insight on the perils of neutrality will serve me, and hopefully you, best. A wise and great man once said, "If you sit on the fence too long, you will get speared in the nuts." So, with these prophetic words in mind, I offer my final verdict on Siege: Wait for the trade.

The Crazy. Part 1 - The Monolith

Laypeople often look at comic nerds as painfully shy, vaguely mutant-like recluses who have spent years carefully building comic-themed lairs in their mother’s basements where they can safely hoard their belongings away from other people, out of sunlight, and close to the fridge.

I'm not going to attempt to dispel this popular myth because, in many cases, it's actually true. However, writing a blog entry about the subterranean virgins that make up a chunk of the comic nerd demographic is an anthropological endeavour that will take some time. Believe me, I will get to this post in due time. However, for the time being, as the first of a series of entires, I am going to focus on a common trait all comic collectors possess - The Crazy.

Collecting comics is a lot like collecting bugs or eyeballs – you have to be a little bit nuts.

I am going volunteer myself as proof of this fact. However, before getting into the crazy, I'm going to briefly list some of the everyday things that make me mostly normal. Outside of comic collecting, I'm a pretty normal guy. I have a good job, take good care of myself, and am engaged to an amazing woman. Regarding the latter, it is important to note that my future wife does not collect or fully understand the appeal of comic books. That said, my bride-to-be has always lovingly supported my hobby and occasional (read: constant) bouts of comic fanaticism.

Okay. Let's get to The Crazy. Despite my apparent normalcy, when it comes to comics, I can admit to being nuts.

This is me on comic books - twitchy and a little paranoid.



That, or I'm oddly morbidly focused on minutiae which leads to incoherent tangents (ie. Why haven't I double bagged my signed comics? Why? Why? WHY!?... I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare...); like this guy.

This condemning, yet accurate portrait is the product of close to 20 years worth of collecting. As normal as I am now, my early high school years were not especially kind to me. A series of bad haircuts, volcanic acne and aviator glasses didn't exactly get me accepted by the cool kids, and my disinterest in school and mediocre grades didn't get me in with the bookworms. Between sports and chronic masturbation, I needed something to pass the time until I got to see my first set of real boobs, let alone kiss a girl, which, in my 13 year old mind, would change my life for the better, forever.

Yeah.

In any case, comic books always intrigued me and, soon enough, I started a small collection that I kept in my mother's basement, out of sunlight. Today, my collection is housed in a stainless steel tower (it's massive and awesome) and three satellite long boxes.

The primary focus of this instalment of "The Crazy" is my comic book tower, otherwise known as The Monolith.

Unlike the monolith from Kubrick's masterpiece, my comic monolith is not made of stone and did not come from the sky. Rather, my monolith is a black stainless steel filing cabinet that was delivered from Staples. However, much like the monolith in Space Odyssey, the flawless black cuboid that resides in my front hallway has amazing mind-altering capabilities. Also, my monolith is filled with comics, so Arthur C. Clarke can go fuck himself; may he rest in peace.

Back to the mind-altering powers of The Monolith.

Once upon a time, I was content to store my beloved collection in long boxes and store these boxes in a safe place (the back room). This year, in a somewhat inspired, but mostly random act, I decided to upgrade my storage facilities by purchasing what amounts to a pretty safe option for my books. Briefly, the new cabinet is not only functional and spacious but it provides me with a mold/fire/water-proof alternative to the ever popular long box.

Here's where the head fuck comes in. After the long and difficult migration to The Monolith, one of my carefully arranged rows of comics tipped over. Now, I'm the type of collector who goes ape-shit over a bent corner or misplaced staple, so you can imagine the meltdown I experienced when I found my books lying face-down at the bottom of the drawer. After some meticulous inspection, a bout of buyer's remorse, and a serious forehead slap, my comics were back in order and damage-free.

No harm, no foul. Right?

Wrong.

That night, in hushed tones, The Monolith ordered me to cut out my tongue with a pizza slicer.

Actually, it didn't.

However, from that point on, I've developed an interesting complex (read: phobia) where any regular household noise is actually the sound of my comic books tipping over or the cause of my comic books tipping.

I'm not kidding. Observe the power of The Monolith.

1. A whistling kettle? Oh shit. My comics just tipped.

2. A knock at the door? Did the minor tremor created by the knock ripple up the wall and tip my comics? Probably. No. Most definitely.

3. The cleaning lady? Did the cleaning lady forget to read my note about mopping the floor around The Monolith and hit it with the mop, thus tipping my comics? Yes. Oh fuck.

4. Sex? Sex creates a bigger tremor than a knock at the door... Dammit! I knew I should have gone with the headache excuse.

Yup, that about sums it. Admittedly, my condition has gotten better over the past few months. I don't check on my comics multiple times a day and have given up on the idea of learning Filipino in order to ensure the cleaning lady has gotten the message.

Will it ever go away? No. Probably not. Similar to "Odyssey's" herbivorous monkey tribe, I'm banking on natural evolution and divine intervention to solve my problem.