Comic Art Critic #1: What makes a man?

In my opinion, the concrete theory behind the critique of art aesthetics is about as real and relevant as the tooth fairy. Sure, Mona Lisa might be smiling at some hidden, clever secret, and said clever secret might even be Biblical in nature, prompting researchers to further explore the mystery behind Da Vinci's most famous work, and authors to write speculative fiction and pass their work off as fact. That, or Mona might be smiling simply because she isn't wearing any pants. My interpretation is as good as anyone else's, including the critics. To me, the enigmatic nature of fine art is what makes it stupid and boring. Let's face it, the coolest thing Van Gogh ever did was cut off his own ear, which, in itself, is a work of art not to mention totally macho.

I digress.

True art is not subtle or thought-provoking. True art should feel like a chainsaw tearing through your mind and leave multiple contusions on your soul. Comic book art is neither enigmatic nor subtle. Like Van Gogh's crazy act of self-mutilation, comic book art is manly, intense, and leaves very little, if anything, to the imagination, which is what makes it great.

I would like to begin a series of honest critiques of amazing works in comic book art by presenting readers with one of the best pictures ever drawn.



The manliness of this picture is beard inducing. Really, I actually grew a beard in, like, three seconds just by looking at this. There is simply nothing more manly or awesome than stabbing a shark while riding it. To explain, the great white shark is the most awesome apex predator of all time. Great white sharks survived the meteor that obliterated the dinosaurs and have opted to evolve very little since then because they present us with a perfect combination of raw-power and big teeth, making them the shark that every man wants to be. Great white sharks are motivated entirely by the primal need to indiscriminately kick ass and eat things. The only known threat to great white sharks is how manly and awesome they are, which can be intimidating to anyone, even great white sharks. That said, great white sharks rarely fall victim to this paradox and continue to impress us with their awe-inspiring power and aerial leaps.

Raw Power & Aerial Leaps
However, as awesome as sharks are, GI. Joe's resident ninja-commando has proven to be greater than nature's most ferocious predator, as he is able to, without much difficulty, tame the mighty great white shark then stab it in the name of democracy and American freedom. While modern soldiers are required to be proficient in unarmed combat, they are rarely required to fight sharks. In fact, the SAS recommendation for encountering a great white shark on the open sea is to "curl up and die". Refusing to be bound to conventional military tactics, Snake-Eyes faces the his opponent head on in a classic man vs. nature battle of wills. Further, rather than kill the shark with a gun or stick of dynamite, Snake-Eyes, opting to "feel the kill", answers the age old question "What makes a man?" with his trusty knife. Further, in examining this piece through a broader lens, this example of comic art conveys a unique Darwinian message to the reader: if you're not Snake-Eyes, you suck and will probably be eaten by a shark.

Deservedly so.