Comic Art Critic #1: What makes a man?

In my opinion, the concrete theory behind the critique of art aesthetics is about as real and relevant as the tooth fairy. Sure, Mona Lisa might be smiling at some hidden, clever secret, and said clever secret might even be Biblical in nature, prompting researchers to further explore the mystery behind Da Vinci's most famous work, and authors to write speculative fiction and pass their work off as fact. That, or Mona might be smiling simply because she isn't wearing any pants. My interpretation is as good as anyone else's, including the critics. To me, the enigmatic nature of fine art is what makes it stupid and boring. Let's face it, the coolest thing Van Gogh ever did was cut off his own ear, which, in itself, is a work of art not to mention totally macho.

I digress.

True art is not subtle or thought-provoking. True art should feel like a chainsaw tearing through your mind and leave multiple contusions on your soul. Comic book art is neither enigmatic nor subtle. Like Van Gogh's crazy act of self-mutilation, comic book art is manly, intense, and leaves very little, if anything, to the imagination, which is what makes it great.

I would like to begin a series of honest critiques of amazing works in comic book art by presenting readers with one of the best pictures ever drawn.



The manliness of this picture is beard inducing. Really, I actually grew a beard in, like, three seconds just by looking at this. There is simply nothing more manly or awesome than stabbing a shark while riding it. To explain, the great white shark is the most awesome apex predator of all time. Great white sharks survived the meteor that obliterated the dinosaurs and have opted to evolve very little since then because they present us with a perfect combination of raw-power and big teeth, making them the shark that every man wants to be. Great white sharks are motivated entirely by the primal need to indiscriminately kick ass and eat things. The only known threat to great white sharks is how manly and awesome they are, which can be intimidating to anyone, even great white sharks. That said, great white sharks rarely fall victim to this paradox and continue to impress us with their awe-inspiring power and aerial leaps.

Raw Power & Aerial Leaps
However, as awesome as sharks are, GI. Joe's resident ninja-commando has proven to be greater than nature's most ferocious predator, as he is able to, without much difficulty, tame the mighty great white shark then stab it in the name of democracy and American freedom. While modern soldiers are required to be proficient in unarmed combat, they are rarely required to fight sharks. In fact, the SAS recommendation for encountering a great white shark on the open sea is to "curl up and die". Refusing to be bound to conventional military tactics, Snake-Eyes faces the his opponent head on in a classic man vs. nature battle of wills. Further, rather than kill the shark with a gun or stick of dynamite, Snake-Eyes, opting to "feel the kill", answers the age old question "What makes a man?" with his trusty knife. Further, in examining this piece through a broader lens, this example of comic art conveys a unique Darwinian message to the reader: if you're not Snake-Eyes, you suck and will probably be eaten by a shark.

Deservedly so.

I wish I was Daredevil.

In the 1980's comic readers were blown away by Frank Miller's noir, martial arts spin on Daredevil. Miller's run on Daredevil was so influential that, to this day, writers have tried to emulate Miller's tone in their own runs and, as such, Daredevil has been populated with its fair share of ninjas, femme fatales, and healthy doses of corruption and cynicism. The latter noirish elements are especially important as the modern Daredevil is defined by the misfortune that continuously befalls him and the people closest to him. While Marvel Universe is populated almost entirely with anti-heroes with their own hard luck stories, many comic readers are sympathetic toward Daredevil and find themselves asking "Why can't Daredevil catch a break?"

In my humble opinion, this is a load of shit. Getting sprayed in the eyes with radioactive goo was the best thing to ever happen to Matt Murdock. In fact, I'm actually envious of Murdock's handicap and the calamity that has beleaguered him for the bulk of his adult life. Before losing his eyesight, Matt Murdock was just another Irish Catholic kid trying to carve out an existence for himself on the streets of Hell's Kitchen while coping with the fact that his dad basically failed at life. In other words, Matt Murdock was a nobody, a statistic at best. However, after being on the receiving end of a radioactive money shot, Matt Murdock became Daredevil, and a lawyer, I might add, and, equipped only with four over-developed senses and one sense of justice that borders on excessive, took to the streets to kick some ass. A product of Daredevil's war on crime has been, in many peoples' opinion, a lot of bad luck. I respectfully disagree with this collective sentiment and present you with a piece detailing my envy of the blind guy who can't seem to get ahead.

I wish I was Daredevil and here's why.

Reason #1: Ninjas

Someday, long after the human race has died out, scholars of the bipedal lizard species that replaces us will develop an encyclopedia of humanity. An eminent contributor mandated with researching ninjas will develop the following entry.

Ninja (Shinobi): A metaphysical quality of the human race was that ninjas were considered to be universally cool.

With this fact in mind, it should come as no surprise that every morning, I open my front door hoping, no, praying to encounter a horde of ninjas waiting to kill me. Upon stepping outside, I imagine myself gently ushering my fiancee to a safe vantage point and saying something to the tune of, "We both knew this time would come, baby. I want you to run. Don't worry, I will find you."

Then, with my fiancee safely out of the way, I would proceed to give the ninjas an overdue lesson in sweet justice, for, although I have chosen to abandon my ninja ways and live a peaceful life, I have retained my ninja skills and am therefore deadly. After defeating the ninjas and getting sufficiently bloody, but not permanently damaged, I would reunite with my fiancee at a hidden rendezvous point that would conveniently have a hot-tub, black light, lubed slip-and-slide and king-sized bed, for, though visibly shaken, she would be totally, uncontrollably hot for me because I just killed, like, 100 ninjas with my bare fucking hands.

Lamentably, my life is mostly ninja-free. The only horde I am faced with on a daily basis with is the vast multitude of dog turds I am required to scoop twice, sometimes three times, a day. Aside from the odour, my dog's little "brown butt ninjas" don't put up much of a fight.

Conversely, every morning, Daredevil literally wakes up to this: ninjas literally falling out of the sky in bunches, risking self-impalement, just to take a shot at him.



My jealousy is only compounded by the fact that I am well aware of the impossibility, logistically and financially, of contacting and and hiring a secret clan of ninja assassins to try to kill me every day. After all, who would pick up my dog's shit and pay the bills if I was fighting ninjas all the time? Still...

Reason #2: Daredevil gets a TON of action.

A natural product of a vigilante's war on crime is a raging libido. Let's face it, all men of action have a lot of sex. Daredevil is no exception to this rule as, despite being blind and a lawyer (two big strikes for anyone trying to land a date), Daredevil is always, most often at a morally reprehensible level, knee-deep in hot sweaty love.

As the Marvel Universe's most successful lothario, Daredevil has a great group of enablers to thank for his boundless sex life - the writers. For, as soon as Daredevil grows weary of a love interest, the writers usher her out of the picture in a most unkind way and introduce a new, hotter woman into his life.

Consider the following Daredevil love interests.

a) Karen Page: The sexy and conveniently naive Karen Page was first introduced as a secretary at Matt Murdock's law firm. Karen soon finds herself uncontrollably infatuated with Matt Murdock and his alter ego, Daredevil. Shortly revealing his secret identity to her, Karen and Matt get busy and date on and off. During an off period, Karen moves to California where she gets hooked on smack and becomes a porn star. Matt helps her kick both her drug and sex addictions and they being dating again. However, due to the fact that dating a former drug addict and pornstar can be a drag, the writers eased Matt's stress by getting him to have an affair with Typhoid Mary who, although very, very, evil, is smoking hot. Karen and Matt break up again but reunite after Mysterio tricks Karen into believing she has AIDS. Shortly after, Bullseye kills Karen, ridding Daredevil of her baggage and clearing the way for more hot women.

Karen Page: Baggage...


Typhoid Mary: Booyah!


b) Milla Donovan: After being saved by Daredevil, Milla Donovan would soon find herself married to The Man Without Fear. Aware of Matt's alter and inflated egos, Milla is, albeit unintentionally, emotionally abused by Daredevil who, let's admit, is a crappy husband. During a period where her psychological well-being is at risk, Mr. Fear drives poor Milla to insanity and murder. With his wife locked away in an upstate insane asylum and in no condition for hot sweaty love, Matt finds himself attracted to a subordinate, private investigator Dakota North, who just so happens to be a former super-model. After weighing his options for all of three seconds, Matt seduces Dakota and they engage in hot sweaty love on his hot sweaty dojo floor.

Dojo Sex. Sweet!


So, is the old adage true? Is the bush always greener on the other side? In my opinion, no. My pro-monogamy stance aside, based on the number of partners he's had and the sheer amount of sex he's getting, one can't help but wonder if, in addition to fighting crime, Daredevil is struggling with a more sinister foe - itchy pee.

Still, anyone who gets more tail than James Bond and a sexually mature male rabbit combined, is awesome.

Reason #3: Unendurable Woe = License to do whatever I want.

I can admit that Daredevil's been through a lot. However, before feeling bad for him, I'd like to point out something that is both fairly obvious and really awesome - Daredevil's hard luck serves as an excuse for him to do whatever he wants.



Daredevil doesn't walk the edge, he defines it. If the edge is crippling a man so he never walks again, but no worse, so be it. If the edge is the wholesale slaughter of a ninja clan just to prove a point, it's all good. While not entirely morally bankrupt, the steady deterioration of Daredevil's well-being has put him in a position where his enemies are scared shitless of him and his allies are hesitant to address his questionable approach to doing his job.

I would love this. The real-world benefits of defining your own edge are nearly infinite, for, I don't walk the line, I am the line. Get in line or die, maybe. That, or I might buy you a kitten; it depends on what kind of day I'm having. This unique combination of controlled madness and unending melancholy is not only intimidating but keeps people guessing, and this puts you in a position of power, and power is awesome.

In conclusion, despite living a double life as a lawyer and superhero, and despite his handicap and the fact that everyone wants to kill him and his friends, Matt Murdock has a pretty great life. While most of us are picking up dog turds and going to jobs we hate, Daredevil enjoys a life of ninjas, hot sweaty love and a psyche that is, at best, completely shattered but in a good way. So, when thinking of the normalcy and drudgery of your own life and how awesome Daredevil's life is, ask yourself this, "If everyone loves a good train wreck, why wouldn't I want my own life to be a complete fucking disaster?". With that knowledge, go get yourself a nail gun, some watermelons and a pack of condoms because it's going to be a great day.